THIRTY PAIN FREE MINUTES!!!

Woohoo, I didn’t lose everything I’d gained, at least as far as running is concerned. I know it’s irrational, but I was terrified I’d be back to that huffing-puffing-can’t-last-a-minute mess I was when I started back in February. I’m not. I ran the flat trail, I consciously kept my pace slow enough to speak (yeah, ok, lip-sync to music, lol), AND still finished 2.5 or so miles. Good stuff.

 

Dinner with the grands was not so good. I need to figure out somewhere else for monkey to hang while I run… As Grandma and Monkey spend more time together (from necessity, as she needs me around to help her out), Monkey’s (adorable but somewhat annoying sometimes) 3-year-old-ness is losing it’s cuteness where Grandma is concerned. I had to stop her the 3rd time she had something to say (or some derisive noise to make) when Monkey dropped a bit of food as she ate. Mind you, Monkey can’t sit up to the table well there, and because of the shape of the house, there’s no room to bring in a high chair or booster to make it any closer. She’s doing well, and having someone harp on her just isn’t ok. I wasn’t mean, but made it clear. She’s 3. She’s a little messy when she eats. I’ll clean it up when she’s done, I promise. She backed off. Next was while I was loading the dishwasher after dinner. All of us still in the kitchen. She’d picked a new target…my grandpa. She said some really hateful things to him, in front of us, that I can’t help but think had to be humiliating for him. The man’s barely been able to get out of bed for months, and this is how she speaks to him in front of his grand (and great-grand) kids? I’ve never loaded a dishwasher so quickly, and Monkey and I were out the door in under ten minutes, before my mouth got the better of me. I don’t want to be disrespectful, but at the same time, holding my tongue was mighty difficult right then. Please say a prayer for me tomorrow, as I head back over to work on a few chores for her and *maybe* run, depending on her attitude toward Miss Monkey. I’d like to mention to her that I was really uncomfortable when I felt like she was picking an argument with us there. I’m afraid it will escalate after that &  I’ll need to leave. I don’t have a problem with that. These are my boundaries, and I’m ok with maintaining them. But who’s going to help out then, and more importantly, who’s going to do the things Grandpa needs done that she can’t do? Ugh. Maybe I should follow everyone else in the family’s lead and just move far away again. No, I really won’t. I love it here, love my house and my garden and my life. I just need to find a way to make this dysfunctional dynamic workable until they are self-sustaining again.

 

A friend sent me a quote/picture the other day. “Gardening is cheaper than therapy, and you get free tomatoes.” She’s right. Monkey and I got home, grabbed cold refreshments (beer and fudgesicle, respectively), and headed out to the garden. I got a good portion of the rest of the little garden weeded and ready to plant in the morning, while listening to some awesome praise songs and talking out the whole situation with the Man upstairs. Feeling better. Monkey’s in the tub, then I think I’ll let her snooze in my room with some toons–maybe she’ll sleep in again tomorrow…

So far today

I woke up an HOUR before the monkey did–that’s quality mama time, y’all. Started a pot of coffee. Now that I’ve perfected an under 200 calorie cup that I like, I fear I’m returning to that addiction…I should quit again, but it’s so yummy!!! Jumped in the shower, got ready, then enjoyed some reading time here before waking her up. We stopped by my work-cause I’m a dork who brought home a paper I shouldn’t have, and had to return it. Then a coffee break with a friend (don’t worry, just water for me.). Stopped and picked up a new pool for monkey that it turns out I can’t inflate with my air pump, so I have to find a new one (grrr). And then got to planting. Monkey played in the non-inflated pool with a few inches of water in it, and I got 3 varieties of beans, 2 of lettuce, cantaloupe, brussels sprouts, and some sweet peas in the ground. 🙂 Shower #2 of the day, and now I’m pre-hydrating before taking a run and then dinner at Grandma’s house. Hopefully back home in time to get a little more planting done…likely with a cold beer in hand. AND it’s supposed to storm tonight. I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR, and I love days off work. 🙂

After a little more than a week off running, I am thrilled to be headed back out. But I’ve promised myself. Pain = walk. I don’t think I’ll be able to resist the pretty path thru the woods, so it may be a long walk, but that’s ok. I may post more later, but I sort of doubt it. Planting & storms & lots of reasons to be outside instead of in here in front of the computer, ya know? Love to all, go enjoy this springtime!!!

Kinda mad at me

So, it turns out, a tattoo right over your ankle bone hurts like a mutha. My friend who did it laughs at me a little, he doesn’t think they hurt that badly…but my body begs to differ. One more day at work, and I should be cleared to run a bit. I’ll probably do it. And it’s probably gonna hurt. Online resources say to expect several weeks of healing time. I MISS RUNNING! I’m terrified that this is the beginning of the end of all I’ve accomplished, and I’ll have to start all over. If I’d realized, the tat would’ve waited, I think. Still moving, still losing…but so frustrated that I can’t just go run 30. I guess the up is that my hips finally feel all better. And I’m a half pound away from my mini goal of a normal BMI. Can I just fast-forward thru healing up my self-inflicted ankle pain now?

Tilling day, and a Liebster award

It’s tilling day here at the monkey house. This means I borrowed a tiller and spent most of the day (9-4, with a short lunch break), tilling my garden. It’s more than twice the size of last years, and involved breaking up some very well-rooted grass, so this was no small feat. I’m sore, blistered, and sunburnt. And ridiculously happy and satisfied with the work I did. I also planted about a half million morning glory and moonflower seeds, all at rapid speed since I sort of forgot they were soaking. Got ’em in before nightfall, though. Just tucked the monkey in & I’m headed for bed very shortly. Tomorrow is house cleaning, and laundry washing, hopefully more planting, taking Grandma out to run her errands, and hopefully visiting with a new friend…:D Also my last day off before 2 more at work, and our weekends recently have NOT been a fun time to work. Clearly, I intend to squeeze every bit of goodness out of tomorrow.

 

Second, I was nominated by http://flamidwyfe.wordpress.com/ for a Liebster award. As always, sorry my links are not all fancy-style….someday I’ll figure it out… Anyway, Liebster is to promote blogs with fewer than 200 subscribers, and since I have fewer than 20, I definitely qualify 😉 Sandi is fabulous and inspiring and pretty much right where I’d like to someday be. She’s a hero 😀

 

 

Five facts:

1. I got a new tattoo last weekend. It’s a dragonfly, and it’s on my right ankle, the one I broke years ago. Both of my tattoos are over once-broken bones, and both signify a healing of some sort in my life.

2. I cannot stand to have my feet touched. Not in a cute, giggly, “I’m ticklish” kind of way. In an “I will kick you in the face” kind of way.

3. My 2 middle daughters are about to be in their first pageant in a few weeks. They are thrilled. I am happy if it makes them happy, but thinking entirely too much about all the issues this kind of thing can cause. My girls will be fine. They just wanna dress up & be crazy.

4. The same weekend in a few weeks, my oldest daughter will graduate from high school and have her baby shower the next day. That’s good for making me feel old, lol.

5. I have a goal to one day take little monkey to far-off lands where people are not so fortunate as we are living in the US. I’d like to provide medical care where I can, and learn and teach her the multitude of things we could never learn here. I think my path is leading that way…then again, God could just be training me to survive when the zombie apocalypse hits in December. Who knows? It’s his path, I’m just following 😉

5 blogs I nominate:

  1. http://buckeyemike3373.blogspot.com/ He’s a littttle crazy and sentimental, but he’s got a fabulous heart.
  2. http://afatmansjournal.wordpress.com/2012/05/03/stress-test-in-the-real-world/  Reminds me every day of the importance of maintaining the focus
  3. http://girlworthweightingfor.wordpress.com/2012/05/03/that-moment-when-you-realize-you-forgot-to-cook-the-chickpeas/ That little romance story in the background has me captivated…I’m a die hard romantic living through others since I don’t have time for all that stuff
  4. http://pomegranteseeds.wordpress.com/2012/05/03/create-in-me/ She makes me think, lots. 🙂 That’s a good thing
  5. http://atypicalmiracle.com/2012/05/02/frayed/ I’m actually not going to comment this award to Amey right now, she’s got enough on her plate. But please, stop on by, read their story, and KEEP THIS FAMILY IN YOUR PRAYERS. Thanks.

 

If you have been nominated, here is what you do to keep it rolling:

Each Nominee Should:

  1. Choose five, up and coming blogs to give the Liebster award to.  Blogs must have less than 200 followers.
  2. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.
  3. Post the award on your blog.
  4. List the bloggers you gave the award to with links to their sites.  Leave a comment on their blogs to let them know they’ve received the award.
  5. Share five random facts about yourself!

Not my typical post.

I’ll touch on the weight loss/running stuff. Still losing. Still hitting my calorie target most days, and ALL weeks. (Still loving the ‘Lose It” app–one day a little over, one a little under seems to keep my metabolism moving best, and I can tell I’m still hitting a weekly target, which seems to work well for me). Still feeling the effects from the 45-minute run over a week ago when I was supposed to go 30… It felt GREAT at the time. And sore after. Ok. Expected. But on the TWO (yes, only 2) runs since, it’s felt painful. Had a quick exam. I pi$$ed off my ITBand the tendon attachments both proximal and distal to the adductors on the inner thigh. This is screwing with my gait when I run, and then pi$$ing off the glutes and piriformis on the opposite side. I had to quit 25 minutes into my last 30 minute (excruciatingly slow) run because it hurt, even going easy. I have been advised to rest for at least a week. I’ve taken 2 days off and have no pain. Now I want to run tomorrow. I haven’t decided yet. If I do, it will be the flat trail, slowly. 😦 I’ve shed tears over this. Me, who couldn’t run a minute. I just don’t want to quit. I’m terrified that I’ll quit with a week off. I know I touched on some of this yesterday, but there’s all the details. We’ll see what tomorrow holds.

What’s really been on my mind these last few days is faith. It’s God, but maybe not church. I was raised to believe Christian philosophy. I have learned to respect and honor the beliefs of all-don’t we all believe what we were raised to believe? At base, I believe the basic tenets are the same. Love one another. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Go forth and do good. And then my hard times came. A night came when I honestly feared for my own safety, at my own hand. But I had my little monkey, sleeping in the next room. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, but life had become so dark and so sad that I saw no other way to make the pain end. I prayed. I’d found an old cross that I’d had on a keychain as a teenager that day by chance. I held it in my hand and I prayed like I’d never prayed in my life. From that day, just over a year ago, forward, my life was changed.

A new friend asked me a few days ago if I had a ‘home church.’ I answered that my home church is pretty much my garden. I’m sure he took it as the flip response of a non-believer. An excuse. In reality, that night that I prayed, that night I could have died, I felt–mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually–the power of God to lift me out of that dark place. Radical changes occurred in my life in the months that followed. I moved back to my hometown, without a job to move to, because it was what I felt led to do. And I started that garden I speak of. To me, church is where you go to feel close to God. And to me, it’s not a room full of strangers. It’s me and God, and the prayers I send, and the peace I receive. He leads me to take that peace and that light, and to give it away. That’s what keeps me going in a job that isn’t what I always wanted, is that I can spread that light and that joy, some days to those who need it the very most. I’m good at what I do, but only because He gives me the light to shine.

Confidentiality laws keep me from saying much about the last few days and the people I think of as I type this blog. 2 people, both with large and supportive groups of family and friends. One with faith, one without. Both who greatly appreciated my care, both who are wonderful people I will continue to pray for. One whose family I bowed my head to pray with today. And one who I spoke to about the end of life, and the fact that God is there whenever andif ever he wants to talk to him. Because even if he’s given up on God, God hasn’t given up on him. He has my phone number. I’ll do anything I can to help, and will pray with him or bring him a pastor if that’s what he’s ready for. But my heart aches for him. My hard times seem so small in comparison, yet I have no idea what I’d do without my faith to carry me through them.

What does any of it mean for me? I may never see either of these people again. But I have been moved deeply by these past few days. For my friend who asked, I attended his church last Sunday. But I’ll still feel closer to God, right here in my backyard, planting the seeds, watching what He does with them. I’ll still feel more like I’m doing His work waking up in the morning and reflecting that light back to the people I come in contact with (some days that’s hard work). I still feel that when my responsibilities here are satisfied, I want to go to less fortunate areas of this world and spread a little of that light there. And somehow, because I don’t fit the prototype of a “good” Christian…I don’t go to church regularly. I drink a bit now and then. I still smoke…I see people who consider me to be non-Christian and/or non-religious. Maybe they’re right. But when my mind flips through the bible I know, it tells me I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to be all fixed. I just have to be here, and open, and ready to serve. And I am. I’m tired of judgement right now. I just want to pray for those who need prayer, I just want to open up the blinds and let the sunshine in, I want to explain the hard things and cry with the ones who need to cry, then hold their hands as they take their next step, whatever it may be.

I’m sure some of this is hard to follow. It’s not drink, it’s mostly just protecting private information. It’s been a hard few days, but in a good way. I’m doing the work I’m supposed to do right now.

“Stand up and walk out of your history.” That pretty much sums up my little ramble, don’tcha think?

lifeandfriendship

“Stand up and walk out of your history.”  This is a quote I found somewhere from Dr Phil. I know a lot of people have very mixed feelings about the man and his television show. One thing you have to give him is that he know how to punch line an issue with laser like focus. He cuts through all of the noise about the “stories” that people are telling him and hits at the core of the problem.

I love this quote. To me it is a kick in the pants to stop believing I can’t do something just because I haven’t done it before. At some point you have to choose to hang on to the comfort of your story or choose to change your script. Reasons or results is something my dad used to say to me. How applicable that is in so many circumstances!

What a great challenge

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Well, that’s embarassing…

Apologies to all for my last post, I’d attempt to explain but I’d rather not, lol. Too much wine, too much backstory, too much wallowing. The next day dawned bright and, surprisingly, clear. I deserved a hangover for that mess, but somehow escaped it. Picked up my girlies & got my new tattoo. 🙂 I’ll post pics soon. Right now it’s past bedtime, and I have work again tomorrow, just wanted to let you all know I didn’t fall into my wine glass & drown 😉 Hope you’re happy & well!

A new chapter is begun.

After months of faithfully logging every single bite/sip that passes my lips, tonight I am drunk on calories that do not count. Tonight I say goodbye.

 

I always said that if I got a tattoo, it would be something that mattered to me deeply. It did.

photo3

 

The story of the 2 feet is here. If the link doesn’t work (and it may not, wine is good tonight…) let me know. I’ll hook you up on my crazy tale. I broke the bones under those 2 feet in an argument with my now ex-husband. That tattoo closed that chapter..

 

Tomorrow I will get the tattoo that closes the chapter that follows. There are blogs that follow the progress, and they are painful and sensitive. I worry that I’m not ready yet, but what am I holding on to anymore, anyway? I’m tracing the progress tonight, I am saying goodbye. I’ve looked myself in the mirror, in the eye, for the millionth time. Right arm or not, he is never coming back. It’s time now. More, with pics, tomorrow. I lost myself in old blogs and goodbyes and sad songs tonight, but never fear. I always get back up again.

2 feet, so thankful, so strong, so blessed.

 

It’s time to move forward. For those who actually follow this blog (I can’t imagine why) and are interested, I will promise tonight that if you don’t know either party involved, I will grant access to my madness upon request. Tonight, I will simply wallow in it one last time.

Yuck

I’m sticking to my attempt to post every day, but I don’t have a lot to say. Some sort of stomach bug has me in its grips, since about 7 or 8 last night. I won’t go into gruesome details, but…well…they’re gruesome. I feel like dirt, and I went to work hoping to come home early (ha, fat chance) and survived the day. Even one of my favorite (clueless to the world of others) doctors noticed I was looking ill. Yeah, it was that bad. And I get to do it again tomorrow. Oh. Joy. I’d use a sick day, but I used them up in the fall when monkey was getting sick left and right during our one and ONLY trial with a daycare center (vs in-home). As long as the monkey’s able to go tomorrow, I don’t have a choice. Lol, someone asked today, can’t someone else take over for tonight? Nope. I’m just glad the grands were already good for today thanks to the home health aide. I want a vacation. Not one where everything waits til I get back, but a real, true vacation. I do believe in about 15 years, I will take one 😉 I am blessed, and I don’t mean to whine. I just don’t feel good and I’m very good at whining. You can’t waste talent. In other good news, since I had zero appetite and threw up most of what I ate, I’m WAAAAY under the calorie budget for today. To the (way too many) people who had to say today that a stomach bug is a great way to lose weight, hardy-har-har… well, you can bite me. A great way to lose weight is to eat less and move more, which I’ve been quite successful with for the past 2 months. Maybe those who think this joke is so funny should try out the viral diet, since they can’t seem to figure my plan out. Just sayin.

 

I’m off to bed now, hopefully to find my positive attitude and better health somewhere in dreamworld.

Today was a darn good day

Most of it, anyway. Monkey and I went to visit some friends this morning, we hadn’t seen them in a while and it was great to see her laugh so hard. Next we we going to take Grandma to Walmart. Wonder of wonders, she didn’t feel like it, so she just gave me a list! Woohoo! This turned that 3 hour expedition I was dreading into less than an hour with just me & monkey. On a side note, last night and today, this guy working there caught my eye…I think I have a bit of a harmless crush, lmbo. A few other errands, and then it was time to run!

I was so pumped to run today that I was a little disappointed to find I’m still not feeling 100% after the beating I gave myself this past weekend. I finished my time and did ok, but I did take it rather easy. After 45 minutes on Sunday, I gotta say today felt pretty short. 🙂 Took a pic at the end. Not my best, but here’s a face to go with the words, now that it’s got cheekbones back…and is that a collarbone I see???

On the way home, I realized I had about 1200 calories left to log today, thanks to fairly light breakfast and Subway for lunch, plus the exercise calories I’d just earned. I’ve been craving some serious red-meat protein for a while, and a beer always sounds nice… Here’s what I came up with.

Even the monkey thought this was “pure deliciousness.” 🙂 And just a little product placement, as this is my new favorite 🙂

Even if I have 2 (doubtful), I’m still going to be a few hundred calories below target for today. Off now for early bedtime for me and the monkey, it’s going to be an early morning! Have a fabulous night & few days til I get back!